Ocean

I fell in love with a mermaid the other day,
Not the kind you're now picturing,
Just listen.

She's been marooned on the land as long as I've known her,
A cruel fate for the sea,
But to me her identity was no secret.

It wasn't her legs or lack of fins that gave it away,
I've never seen her swim,
I noticed when I swam in her eyes.

Raw, titanic, natural, overwhelming,
Eternal, bottomless, a cosmos, the sublime,
I surface and take a breath.

I noticed when I explored her heart,
Grateful for the opportunity to witness the wonder,
I noticed when that heart was unleashed.

Endless, untamed, torrential,
Tidal, expansive, enveloping,
The taste of saltwater tears.

So why is she a slave to the land?
What curse imprisons her here?
We do.

We ask and she answers,
She will always return, like a wave to the beach,
She has learned to listen to the moon.

One day I'd like to see her set free from the land,
I wonder where her current will take her,
Though I'm certain it will be beyond my sight.

I'm beautifully afraid of the ocean.

Don't worry

I've pondered a lot about certain things,
Things that might worry people.
Don't worry, people.

A book called, "The Anatomy of Suicide" taught me,
Every act of suicide starts with a desire to act violently towards someone else,
Then that desire turns inward.

You get that.
You're frustrated that nobody cares, nobody understands, and you hate them.
You want to hurt them.

It's not them.
It must be you, other people are different, maybe you're the problem.
So you hurt yourself.

Emotionally?
Physically?
Spiritually.

Maybe you've heard that it's about loneliness.
It's not about loneliness.
The conversations in your head never leave you alone.

They say the definition of insanity is doing that same thing over and expecting a different result.
Same thoughts, same doubts, same conversations, same mistakes, same fears, same me.
For 25 years, same actions, same results.

It's insanity.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of being tired and not being able to sleep.
Sleep is an escape.

Hope is to escape.
Not to be someone else or be somewhere different,
We've tried that and it doesn't work.

We want to escape and not be anyone or anything.
We're tired.
Of ourselves.

Maybe that was His secret?
"I am that I am", the Great Jehovah.
The only One to figure it out.

The only One to accept the truth.
The rest of us attempt to be someone else or hide from who we are,
That's insanity.

We run from who we can never escape,
We cover up the eternal foundation of ourselves,
We try to change the unalterable.

The semitic structure reveals a pronoun and a conjugated verb,
He said it simply.

"I am, me".

I'm not, yet.

Birthday

It isn't the gift anymore,
I forget to ask.
Plenty would be willing,
But every year gets harder to ask.

I've tried asking for time,
Your time, their time,
More time, stop time.
I get another year.

They tell me, "You did it!
"You made it! Way to go!"
What did I make?
What did I do?
Where did I go?

A childhood picture,
"Look how you've grown!"
"Look at how cute!"
Why am I crying?

I want to hold him in my arms,
Never let him go,
He'd ask, "Why are you crying?"
I don't know if I could tell him.

"Your heart will break,
Your trust will fade,
Just run away,
You aren't safe."

He'd hold my face, somehow understand
"Please don't cry"
Then he'd cry too.
Because that's what I would do.

So my birthday hurts,
Because I'm scared.
Afraid to care and be broken,
Afraid to not care and be forgotten.

And so it becomes a day,
I'm afraid to make important.
I've never been good at birthdays.